In the 1st part of this discussion I explained how people sometimes feel frustrated when they "get the run around," and how this is often because they do not know what kind of help they need. This week I'm looking at situations that we all hate. Where we are in an unfortunate place and we were the ones that put ourselves there. As an advisor I see this a fair amount. The most common situation is when a student fails a class or an semester (or several) and is then faced with the consequences. In some cases all the student needs is a little "GPA damage control," something that is easier than many think. Other times, the student may be facing a three year suspension from classes, denial of financial aid, being unqualified to apply (or unsuccessful in applying) to their program of choice. Whatever the situation is it's not uncommon that the person who has put themselves there chooses to reject responsibility and pin it on something or someone else. A common expression used by guilt avoiding students is, "The professor failed me." My thoughts make me want to say, "Are you sure it wasn't your assignments, papers, and test scores that didn't fail you?"
To be fair, there are circumstances beyond our control. Insurmountable obstacles that cannot be overcome by sheer determination and will power. Relatives die, people get sick, jobs experiences layoffs or go out of business. This post is not to claim that any failure is a result of our own lack of desire or ability. I am not claiming that all misfortune is the fault of the person experiencing it. The purpose of my post here is to address when people to not acknowledge where the responsibility lies and instead choose to affix it to something else. Again, this tends to be off of themselves and onto somebody else.
It can often be challenging working with these students (I'll stick with academic situations as I am most familiar with them). They may rant and complain about their professor, the university, the services provided, and everything else under the sun. Any mention of what they may have done (or may not have) is met with counter accusations about what others did (or didn't) do. For example, my office handles compliance with the developmental placement and completion policy for the university. The consequences of not taking or not passing the mandated classes vary between minimal to restrictive. Students that don't pass the class do so for a number of reason most of them circumstances beyond the students' control. However, a small group of students simply refuses to take the mandated classes. Perhaps they don't agree with the policy. Perhaps they don't like required coursework. Perhaps they simply don't like to bow to authority. For whatever reason, they don't follow the policy. A small group of them will then take issue with the university for blocking their registration, as they were told would happen. I hate to confess that I have often wanted to inform these students, "We told you so!" or "Why did this happen? Oh, it's because YOU didn't follow the policy." Needless to say, these statements would never make the situation better.
So what do you say when someone is upset or frustrated? First, they may just be venting. Just remember that they are not angry at YOU, they are just being angry TO you. While never a pleasant experience, understanding that it's nothing personal can help you listen without defending or retaliating. Once they've got it out of their system, often these people are more than willing to listen to what you need them to do to solve the situation. The trick is not to take it personally.
Regardless of whether or not the person is venting, the best way to help them is pretty simple. The first step is to apologize. This does not mean that you agree with them or their frustration, just that you are sorry that they are frustrated. This is also a good time to acknowledge their emotions. It does no good to tell someone, "You shouldn't be frustrated about that." It is similar to telling someone, "That doesn't hurt" when they are injured. Apologizing helps them understand that you wish they weren't frustrated and expresses empathy.
Second, you want to make sure you listen to them. Like I mentioned last week, often people don't know exactly what kind of help they need. Make sure you listen so you can identify the concerns and separate the facts from the emotions. Remember that listening also means asking appropriate questions, but don't rush them. Let the person talk uninterrupted.
Third, you want to actually remedy the situation. You do everything you can to get them the help they need. If what they need done isn't in your department, you get them specific information and help them contact those that can. Never let a student leave your service without knowing what needs to be done, by who, and when in order to get their solution. This includes things that they need to do. Make sure that you are attentive, informative, and helpful. Using the Arbringer Institutes' ideas from Leadership and Self-Deception or The Anatomy of Peace are very useful in all steps of the process, but are of particular note while you are helping the person. It's important not just to provide assistance, but to make sure that you are doing it for the right reason. Wrong reasons include: to get them out of your office, because it's your job, because you want to earn a service award. The only right reason to help someone is because you want to make their experiences better as a human being. Anybody who has been served can tell when some is doing something for the right reason and when they are looking to get something out of it. Do everything you can for the person and be as accommodating as possible. This does not mean to let them walk over you, but simply to make sure that you have done everything that you are able to do to help them.
Lastly, you will want to thank them for bringing the situation to your attention. This is a great final step as it closes the interaction with an interest in the future. You are telling them that now that you know about this you will be better able to help them and others in the future. If you had to refer them elsewhere, you can also ask them to report back to you when and how their situation is resolved.
When I did sales training for one of my jobs (it turns out I'm a horrible salesmen) they talked about how there is a percentage of people who will never buy the product and a percentage of people who will always buy. As a salesperson, your focus is the percentage in the middle who might. The same applies to resolving problems. There is a portion of the people you deal with who will never be satisfied with your service. The trick is to not let it get to you and make sure that you give everyone the same level of service because you won't know who wouldn't be pleased until you've done everything you can.
So what do you say when someone is upset or frustrated? First, they may just be venting. Just remember that they are not angry at YOU, they are just being angry TO you. While never a pleasant experience, understanding that it's nothing personal can help you listen without defending or retaliating. Once they've got it out of their system, often these people are more than willing to listen to what you need them to do to solve the situation. The trick is not to take it personally.
Regardless of whether or not the person is venting, the best way to help them is pretty simple. The first step is to apologize. This does not mean that you agree with them or their frustration, just that you are sorry that they are frustrated. This is also a good time to acknowledge their emotions. It does no good to tell someone, "You shouldn't be frustrated about that." It is similar to telling someone, "That doesn't hurt" when they are injured. Apologizing helps them understand that you wish they weren't frustrated and expresses empathy.
Second, you want to make sure you listen to them. Like I mentioned last week, often people don't know exactly what kind of help they need. Make sure you listen so you can identify the concerns and separate the facts from the emotions. Remember that listening also means asking appropriate questions, but don't rush them. Let the person talk uninterrupted.
Third, you want to actually remedy the situation. You do everything you can to get them the help they need. If what they need done isn't in your department, you get them specific information and help them contact those that can. Never let a student leave your service without knowing what needs to be done, by who, and when in order to get their solution. This includes things that they need to do. Make sure that you are attentive, informative, and helpful. Using the Arbringer Institutes' ideas from Leadership and Self-Deception or The Anatomy of Peace are very useful in all steps of the process, but are of particular note while you are helping the person. It's important not just to provide assistance, but to make sure that you are doing it for the right reason. Wrong reasons include: to get them out of your office, because it's your job, because you want to earn a service award. The only right reason to help someone is because you want to make their experiences better as a human being. Anybody who has been served can tell when some is doing something for the right reason and when they are looking to get something out of it. Do everything you can for the person and be as accommodating as possible. This does not mean to let them walk over you, but simply to make sure that you have done everything that you are able to do to help them.
Lastly, you will want to thank them for bringing the situation to your attention. This is a great final step as it closes the interaction with an interest in the future. You are telling them that now that you know about this you will be better able to help them and others in the future. If you had to refer them elsewhere, you can also ask them to report back to you when and how their situation is resolved.
When I did sales training for one of my jobs (it turns out I'm a horrible salesmen) they talked about how there is a percentage of people who will never buy the product and a percentage of people who will always buy. As a salesperson, your focus is the percentage in the middle who might. The same applies to resolving problems. There is a portion of the people you deal with who will never be satisfied with your service. The trick is to not let it get to you and make sure that you give everyone the same level of service because you won't know who wouldn't be pleased until you've done everything you can.
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